The picture above captures the Tree of Life activity that I completed with my Batch 9 course mates on 21st May 2023, in Dr. Lai Fong Hwa’s online class, held toward the end of Module 1 at the Andolfi Family Therapy Centre in Publika. During the activity, we reflected on our dreams and wishes, and I remember writing down aspirations that I held close to my heart but doubted I could ever achieve. I wrote “family therapist” with a question mark and “conference” trailing off, as if these dreams were nothing more than wishful thinking.
I could never have imagined that what I hoped for on 21st May 2023, would become a reality on 26th October 2024—not only attending a conference but also presenting my work as a school counsellor at the AAFT Conference in Shanghai. David Hong played a significant role in helping me realise what I once thought was impossible. Looking back, I realise that the biggest barrier was myself. Initially, I worried about the financial aspect of attending the conference, doubted my worthiness to present at an international family therapy conference (especially without ever having attended one), and felt apprehensive as someone so new to the field. My inner voice questioned, “Who would want to hear about your experience when there are so many giants who have practised long before you?”
While I doubted myself, David never did. If he had, he did not show it. He encouraged me to overcome each barrier, pushing me to believe in my potential. I never imagined my school would fund this conference for me—and yet they did. I hadn’t expected my abstract to be accepted, but it was. Standing on stage that day, I realised for the first time the value of sharing my experiences with a global audience. Through his guidance and his own story of overcoming challenges, David showed me that with enough passion for a cause, we have all it takes to move mountains.
I had often heard of prominent names like Professor Maurizio Andolfi, Wai-Yung Lee, and Takeshi Tamura, but it wasn’t until this conference that I truly experienced the work of these masters in family therapy. For the first time, I was able to see Wai-Yung Lee present her work in person—a body of work I had admired but only able to witness via YouTube. It was inspiring to watch Takeshi Tamura in action, demonstrating to the audience how he handles sessions with challenging clients. I found myself wishing I had spent more time reading Professor Andolfi’s books and publications to fully immerse myself in his approach—and to have the chance to get his signature on my copy. Seeing the bits of pieces of all their work and also the works of other therapists around the world in the 3 days of the AAFT conference, has inspired me to delve deeper into family therapy, enhancing my skills and understanding to better support my students and their families.
There was also a sense of pride in seeing six Malaysians represented at the conference, including David, who, despite holding an Australian passport, is secretly very much Malaysian at heart. I met a Malaysian researcher completing his PhD at Hong Kong University, who remarked that Malaysians have so much to offer the world, citing the high quality of counselling he has observed through our presentations. Thequestion of “worthiness” dissipates because, as long as we are willing to learn and take risks, each of us has something valuable to contribute; we are enough.
While I continue to navigate through self-doubt, the experience from this conference has ignited something within me that, hopefully with commitment and time, will lead me to make a difference, not only within the rooms of my practice but also in the wider community, advocating for the importance of family-centered and systemic approaches in school settings.
My Learnings Outside of the 3-Day Conference: Person-of-the-Therapist
Change and Discomfort
I was privileged to spend many breakfast mornings with David, from whom I learned so much about resilience and adaptability. We sat at the same table and in the same seats every morning. On David’s last day at the hotel before he checked out, I arrived late for breakfast and found him sitting at the table next to our usual spot. Dismayed, I asked him, “Why did you change tables?” He replied something along the lines of , “Change is uncomfortable; get used to it so you better understand your clients.” As I sat at our new table, I couldn’t help but glance over at where we usually sat, reflecting on our discussion about my fixed patterns, the melancholic side of me and tendency toward analysis-paralysis, and my desire for control and perfectionism. When I had breakfast on my own the next morning after David left, I decided to make a bigger move by choosing a table in a different section. It was uncomfortable, but I made sure to pick a spot I was familiar with, to help ease this transition.
David’s insights about change and discomfort prompted me to reflect on my own challenges within the therapeutic context, highlighting the importance of embracing change, especially when navigating the complexities of client relationships and therapeutic processes. In family therapy, for instance, it’s sometimes necessary to ask family members to swap seats to help them reflect on the different roles they play. By embracing discomfort, I can become more empathetic and attuned to my clients’ struggles, creating a safe space that allows them to explore their challenges at a deeper emotional level.
Start Somewhere, Trust the Process
I had never known Nicole personally before this conference, and it was such a blessing to spend quality time and have meaningful conversations with her during the trip. In one of our discussions, Nicole spoke about the importance of documenting our work as much as sharing our practice verbally. She said something along the lines of, "We have to start somewhere—start small while holding on to the ideal." Her words made me reflect on my own tendency toward paralysis, often stopping myself from trying because I’m comparing myself to impossible expectations. But if all it takes is to start somewhere, to start small, then I can begin to overcome this. This perspective also made me think about my work with clients; if I learn to embrace and celebrate small changes, instead of feeling disappointed by unmet expectations, I can more authentically accept my clients and meet them where they are on their journey.
In answering a question about what contributes to divorce in couples during our “Xiao Long Bao” meal, Nicole offered an unexpected perspective. Rather than focusing on
“communication skills”, she spoke about the importance of secure attachments and the impact of safety being threatened in relationships. This perspective helped me reflect on our role as counsellors or therapists in session, while therapeutic skills are important, creating a safe space for our clients is equally— if not, more important. While some clients come with existing secure attachment, allowing them to draw strength and resources from those bonds, many do not have this privilege. This is where we, as therapists, model what secure attachment can look like within the therapeutic space. By being authentic with ourselves and recognising our own strengths and limitations, we can truly be empathetic This experience of layered grief has impacted my person-of-the-therapist. It has given me a deeper understanding of how loss can quietly but powerfully influence a person’s life, bringing waves of sadness, resilience, and connection to one’s roots. This personal journey through grief helps me bring greater empathy, patience, and presence into my work with clients. It reminds me that each client’s story of loss and connection is complex, and that holding space for their grief can allow them, as it has for me, to find strength in vulnerability and healing in remembering.
The Spirit of ‘YOLO’
It was very unlike me to leave my family behind in pursuit of personal and professional growth. As a mother, there’s always a lingering feeling of guilt. Yet if we embrace the systemic lens, it becomes clear that my family can manage without me from time to time, because there is a system larger than myself that helps keep things in balance. This does not mean letting go of all my responsibilities as a mother, a wife and a daughter–It will be against my core and values–rather, it acknowledges that there is time for everything. Each moment offers a unique opportunity to make an impact in someone’s life.
In this conference, I chose time with myself and was blessed to be accompanied by a long time childhood friend, allowing us to uncover and rediscover new perspectives. Just as in therapy, where breakthroughs often require stepping out of comfort zones and taking thoughtful risks, personal growths too, require this. I realise that I cannot encourage my clients to cultivate compassion and care for themselves, if I am not actively practising it myself. At the same time, I deeply empathise with the discomfort this process brings. Embracing this journey myself reminds me how valuable and challenging it can be, and that we grow stronger by taking these steps (much like our ancestors), one at a time. The spirit of YOLO-You Live Only Once, feels especially momentous for me, as this was also the year I celebrated my final year of my 30s.
Conclusion
While the Shanghai journey has come to an end, it feels like a fresh beginning. I’m excited yet scared about the largeness of what this journey may bring. At this point of writing, I’m on a school break, which has given me the brain space to pause and reflect. I see so much hope and potential for taking this process to the next level. Yet, I know that everything might change once I return to my daily work routine. Still, the system perspective reminds me that I am not alone on this journey. Strength lies in finding innovative ways to engage with the systems around me. I don’t know what lies ahead, but I’ll take it one day at a time. Embracing each moment with openness and curiosity is how I want to move forward on this journey.
This reflection was written by Stephanie Cheah. Stephanie Cheah aspires to be a family therapist and recently completed the Graduate Certification of Family Therapy programme. Click here for more details.
If you would like to reach out to us, email us at register.andolfi@gmail.com
Comments