Where Do I Begin & Where Does My Family End: The Journey Towards Differentiation

by Sharmilla Abdullah

Editor’s Note: Sharmilla is a Multigenerational Family Therapist at the Andolfi Family Therapy Centre. In multigenerational therapy, we explore the past to help clients move beyond the stuck points that developed during their formative years, enabling them to be more fully present and engaged in the here and now. A central theme of the therapy is helping clients differentiate themselves from the vulnerable young adult—who may have had little voice or sense of self—and reconnect with the adult they are today, who possess greater resources and agency.

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Growing up as an Indian Muslim in a tight knit as well as conservative family and community background, there was an unspoken yet influential theme that shaped my sense of being: “What will people think?”  This single question, implicitly yet powerfully, continued to shape my life well into my 30s.

My family, culture, ethnicity, religion & gender form the very mold that shaped & continues to shape me into who I am. In this environment, the boundaries blur between what is individual & collective. It is in this fusion you absorb & internalize your family’s anxiety, voice & wants – very often echoing their choices as if they are your own.

Murray Bowen defines Differentiation as the ability to maintain a strong sense of self while staying emotionally connected to one’s family, particularly when anxiety is high. It is the capacity to think and act from individual principles and intellect rather than emotional reactivity and enmeshment with the family unit (Bowen, M., 1978, p. 529)

Upon knowing this concept, I began to sit with the uncomfortable question of “Whose voice is this?” whenever I had an opinion of something – be it small or big. Initially, it was very unsettling.  Coming to realize how frequent the inner voice isn’t truly mine surprised and troubled me all the same. The process of discerning was one part; the other was really figuring out what I truly wanted & making decisions based on my own voice/truth.

Swimming To Your Own Rhythm

The experience of differentiating is akin to an individual fish deciding - after swimming together in its school for a while - to swim at a slightly different pace, its own pace, while remaining part of the school. The reason & intention is not to abandon the school or ocean altogether, but to tend to its need to grow individually within that school.

That change may feel like you are going against the current a lot more or swimming upstream – whilst watching other fish in the group sail effortlessly with the flow. In those moments, you will start to wonder if this is necessary or worth it – you will question your sense of direction & ability.

Yet, it is in those very moments too that you will learn to navigate new terrains, develop new survival skills, and start to find your footing in the unknown. More importantly, you start to develop new emotional muscles that make you more resilient. You may even find like-minded fish.

When the water gets rough, the family anxiety will naturally increase, and you are presented with the ultimate challenge: “Do I default & follow what the group is doing to keep the peace, or do I hold out & maintain my own rhythm?” “Do I follow the voice of the group or try to attune to my own?”

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How Do I Find My Own Way?

To help us on the journey towards becoming a differentiated Self, it helps tremendously to become curious about the generations that came before us. In my journey of going “upstairs” into my family tree, I uncovered rich histories on both my paternal & maternal sides.

I began to understand how specific events or challenges, such as illnesses, deaths, culture, religious values, and financial or socio-political situations at the time, came to shape my family’s emotional system. Each family deals with anxiety in the system differently, which then dictates the interaction patterns that play out in the family for decades.

Learning how this anxiety was passed down implicitly yet powerfully gave me a new understanding – of my parents and my ancestors (many of whom I didn’t know) – as individuals with their own histories, pain, vulnerabilities, and strengths. This new lens   - an intergenerational one – changed my understanding of everyone before me and ultimately, myself.

Where Does the Journey of Differentiation Take You?

Just like all journeys into the unknown, it is challenging, to say the least, especially since it’s a process that is extremely slow, requiring deliberate choices. However, once you take a few steps towards it – you will realize that you have changed. It becomes almost impossible to “unsee” what you have learned about your family system and especially, about yourself.

My personal journey towards differentiation continues to teach me that finding my way is not about who is “right”. It is about making choices using my own voice and taking full accountability for them, whether I succeed or fail.

Learning to observe my own family patterns clearly, without getting swept into the emotional “current,” was scary & foreign at first, but it has come to feel liberating. This is not to say I am so perfectly differentiated and immune to getting pulled into old dynamics - no one ever reaches a final, perfect state of differentiation – and I still contribute my share of family conflicts.

What has changed is the awareness of my own part within the system – which makes all the difference – it is the experience of growing without needing to cut myself off but choosing to grow by remaining meaningfully within the system.

The gift is the continuous discovery of finding my way - to myself.

Citation: Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aranson.

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Sharmilla Abdullah is a registered and licensed counselor who works with individuals, couples, and families. She holds a Master of Counseling (Malaysia), a Post Graduate Diploma from the Accademia di Psicoterapia della Famiglia (Italy) & has undergone advanced supervision under Master Family Therapist Professor Dr. Maurizio Andolfi. 

As a certified Multi-Generational Family Therapist—an accreditation held by only a select group of therapists worldwide— she helps clients gain insight into the generational patterns & systemic connections that contribute to their current challenges. With almost a decade of corporate experience in the banking industry, Sharmilla offers a grounded, informed approach to counseling that connects meaningfully with clients from diverse backgrounds. She is fluent in English, Bahasa Malaysia, and Tamil.

Learning from the Source Part II: Through the Eyes of Bawany and Sit Fong

by Bawany Chinapan | Certified Multigenerational Family Therapist

As I reflect on my week in Rome, I find myself carrying home much more than knowledge, models, or techniques. What moved me most was being part of a community that continues to place relationships, humanity, and personal growth at the center of family therapy.

Throughout the week, I was repeatedly reminded that our effectiveness as therapists does not arise solely from what we know, but from who we are. The emphasis on personal work, genograms, live supervision, and the self of the therapist resonated deeply with me. It reaffirmed a belief that has accompanied me throughout my professional journey: before we can accompany families through their pain, we must be willing to encounter our own.

Perhaps what touched me most was the sense of belonging. Being surrounded by colleagues from different countries who share a commitment to relational thinking, personal growth, and social responsibility reminded me that I am part of something much larger than myself. What began many years ago in Malaysia has now connected me to an international family of therapists who continue to carry forward Maurizio's vision.

A powerful takeaway was the idea that family therapy carries a social and political responsibility. We are not merely clinicians working behind closed doors. We are relational advocates, community builders, and witnesses to the suffering and resilience of children, couples, and families. This perspective broadened my understanding of what it means to be a family therapist in Malaysia and strengthened my commitment to working not only with individuals and families, but also with the communities and systems that surround them.

I leave Rome with renewed hope, deeper humility, and a stronger commitment to integrating personal authenticity with professional competence. More than anything, I leave with the conviction that our greatest tool as therapists remains our capacity to connect—with ourselves, with one another, and with the families who entrust us with their stories.

by Loh Sit Fong | Certified Multigenerational Family Therapist

International Teaching Week at the Family Therapy Academy, Rome, May 25–29, 2026. It was an inspiring opening talk given by Maurizio Andolfi, addressing "Why this teaching course now and what for." As he shared his mission for the field of family therapy, I began to ask myself: "What is my mission as a family therapist?".

The week was packed with learning. First, we gained a glimpse of the family therapy work and community outreach carried out by colleagues from different parts of the world—Chile,  Dominican Republic, the Rotterdam Circle, Townsville in Australia, and the Shanghai Mental Health Institute—and compared that to the family work we are doing at the Andolfi Family Therapy Centre in Kuala Lumpur. I felt energised and inspired by the meaningful work being done by fellow family therapists around the globe.

As I moved through the week, engaging as both participant and presenter in different sessions and interacting with family therapists from other countries, I experienced a strong sense of shared humanity and a common mission: to contribute more to our communities back home through the values we have learned as family therapists—the care and respect for children, adolescence, adults and families, and for the communities that families create.

Watching the videos of family therapy conducted at the Silvano Andolfi Foundation and the Polo Clinic of the Academy were highlights for me. I was most impressed by the team approach: two therapists in the therapy room with the family, while two additional

therapists and a supervisor work from the adjacent room behind the one‑way mirror, which aimed at providing feedback and team support for the two therapists in the room with the family. I am inspired by the fact that the Academy has produced so many competent family therapists through its training program and conducting family therapy as a team effort through the one-way mirror. The therapy work with children and their families shown in the videos was highly creative and effective in resolving conflicts and reconciling families by the end of therapy. I saw the creative style and effectiveness of Maurizio Andolfi reflected in all of the Italian family therapists featured in the videos. That was such a hopeful message for me and for all aspiring family therapists learning the multigenerational family therapy model.

On the last day of the teaching week, all of us participants had the privilege of watching the premiere of the Academy's latest documentary: Andolfi, the Globetrotter of Family Therapy. Several senior and renowned family therapists from different parts of the world gathered at the Academy to explore the meaning and vision of being a family therapist. My heart was moved by the documentary. I felt a strong and proud sense of belonging to this lineage of family therapists. I am inspired by their commitment to the well‑being of families around the world, and beyond—into neighbourhoods, communities, and our societies. I am inspired by their strong cause and vision for training competent family therapists, and for expanding their concern and repertoire beyond the therapy room, into communities and societies. And in that moment, I found my mission as a family therapist.

Reflections from a Clinical Psychologist: 2-Day Live Consultation and Lecture with Professor Andolfi in Malaysia 2025

Editor’s Note: This reflection piece captures insights from the recent 2-Day Live Consultation and Lecture with Professor Andolfi, held in Malaysia on 28–29 April 2025. The author shares personal and professional observations from the event, offering a thoughtful lens in today’s complex world.

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The space came alive with eager learners buzzing in the auditorium and at the corridors of the hall before the event - 220 people of different races, ages, and professional experiences, peering over different titles. Will it be “The Gift of Truth”, “Inter-generational Couples Therapy”, or “Teen Voices” that will offer insight into the ways of family therapy? I was shocked and amazed by how the crowd had quadrupled since my first family therapy symposium, nearly a decade ago.

And yet it is timely. Family institution had changed tremendously especially after the Covid-19 pandemic which unleashed unprecedented situations that posed numerous challenges to families. Suddenly, enforced lock-downs forced families to undergo drastic changes such as inter-generational living , “traditional” roles like care-giving and parenting became more blurred and instead of the usual rush hour commute, parents had to juggle working from home amidst family duties. Alongside these structural changes, the world for the young transformed too - impressionable children having far more access to information and people from different corners of the world had become the norm and terms ‘neurodivergent’ dominates discussions on kids today.

When terms like ‘toxic’ and ‘narcissist’ or  serious mental health diagnoses like ADHD or Bipolar  are very casually thrown around — where does that leave families? When exposure to different ‘norms’ challenge traditions and culture, where does that leave communities? It seems like the more we are exposed, the more polarized we become, and the more connected we are (virtually), the more isolated we feel. I feel it is this unease that has brought mental health professionals, social workers, lawyers, and advocates together in this space.

Though complicated as the world today seems, the message over the two-day event is clear: the value of family is what brings people together, professionals included, and it is through relationships that we can heal.

The first day of the symposium focused on children in family therapy. Professor Andolfi’s unique ‘bottom-up’ approach of giving children a voice in family therapy seems apt to today’s concerns. After all, it is in their virtual realm that children have learned they are free to speak, and through video games that they have found a sense of competence. And if we can only learn to listen and to tap into their competence, Professor explains that children are an important resource to understanding a family’s functioning. They are a reflection of their environment, and what is problematic is how we (even as mental health professionals) put all the pressure on them to become better or to be ‘treated’, without considering their environment.

Professor offers insights into how the presenting issues of a child is merely a projection of what is happening in their environment and how it is never only the individual child that is seated in front of us, it is also their family of origin, their history, and their culture. He also highlights that professionals can sometimes be too quick to label symptoms as ‘illness’. Instead, a curiosity about the meanings behind the symptoms, including anger and hallucinations (imaginary friends) can offer so much more perspective. When we can think outside the box, beyond labels like ADHD, MDD, ODD and the like, we are free to become more creative and to explore. Sometimes a child’s anger is manifested from the unspoken pain and grief of his parents and sometimes a child’s imaginary friends are their only protectors against loneliness.

It is apparent that a child’s presenting problems can bring a lot of pressure to parents, and indeed it is a heavy weight to bear. Professor leans into the ideology that ‘it takes a village’ and encourages us to become good at looking for resources in extended family and in the community. After all, a child’s environment is also made up of their friendships, friendships of their parents,  their school, neighbourhood and community groups. We often overlook how much these can be valuable places to look for support. Children, particularly adolescents are adept at scouring the Internet for people who can understand them to fulfill their inherent drive for connection — so what is a stumbling block for us? For parents, the modern day problems of child rearing are made more complex and overwhelming for this very reason - the lack of connection which leaves them in isolation & deepening the stigma of seeking support.  Yet, these are problems that can be solved when a family is strong enough to fight for one another and to seek support (including professional support) when it is needed.

The topic of children transitioned meaningfully into the second day’s focus: multigenerational couple therapy. What happens when two people bring their families of origin together? (I am tempted to say “disaster!” — i joke). My peers who are curious about family therapy have asked me whether this work involves dealing with the past, and questioned how much we can do when the past has already happened. But the stories that are presented in the therapy room are often very much alive in the present, even when we speak about those that have already passed on. A symbolic presence can offer wisdom as well as a step towards healing.

This is evident in couples who have not yet successfully ‘differentiated’ from their family of origin - they are yet to untangle themselves from the contagious anxieties, pains, and patterns of interactions that they faced with their own families. So the task of the family therapist is not to bring ghosts back to life nor to change the past, but rather to help the couple find clarity about how they have come to be and to then make meaningful change by learning to do something differently. This process often involves going ‘upstairs’ to seek wisdom from the previous generation (parents, grandparents) or even ‘downstairs’ to the children who can shed light to the interactive patterns of the couple as children can be very perceptive and unlikely  to be anxious to protect each other’s feelings, will often tell it as they see it.

So when therapy speak has people ‘drawing boundaries’ to protect themselves from emotional pain and suffering, Professor emphasizes the importance of bringing the afflicted and the afflicter together in the room (whether present physically or as a ‘ghost’ in an empty chair or a circle in a genogram), to be curious about pain and to get our hands dirty.

As therapists, it is important that we persist in asking ourselves “what is my role?”. If we only empower individuals without considering the impact to their families, are we really being helpful? And if we zoom out to look at the raising numbers of divorce and separation in couples in Malaysia, is it any wonder why our children suffer? Dr. Nicole Chen (president of MyMFT) made a very powerful invitation during her speech — to create a new wave of therapeutic approach — one that aims to strengthen families, that considers systems, and that unites rather than divides. It is my hope that we, whether mental health professionals, or lawyers, social workers, and parents welcome this invitation with curiosity and with a sense of union. We can do this, together.

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The 2-Day Live Consultation and Lecture with Professor Andolfi was held on 28–29 April 2025 at Hospital Sultan Abdul Aziz Shah, Malaysia. The event gathered over 200 participants, including attendees from Indonesia, China, and Singapore. For updates on future events, please visit our events website and follow us on social media (Facebook / Instagram).

This article is a personal reflection by Clinical Psychologist Sarah Zehan. Sarah is an experienced clinical psychologist and is a practicing therapist under Andolfi Family Therapy Centre. Sarah provides assessments and psychotherapy for individuals who are going through mental health related difficulties like depression, anxiety, and stress. She also works with individuals who are going through relationship and attachment-related issues. In working with children and adolescents, Sarah provides assessments for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Autism Spectrum Disorder.