The Power of Stories: Exploring the Narratives that Fuel Our Lives

“The power of a symptom seems to depend on the unwavering description of the story...if in exploration, the therapist expands the story, includes other people, or introduces novelty in any way, the automaticity of the symptom is challenged”.

Salvador Minuchin. (Mastering family therapy, 2006, pg. 80).

As a child, I had a horrifying incident. Escalators were new in the early 70s. The gap between the steps was big. But as kids, we did not know the danger. My brother and I were fascinated with this staircase that could move on its own. It felt like a really big toy. We kept running up and down the moving staircase, playing and testing its magic. It was our first experience on an escalator. Then, I fell because the gap between the steps was big, and my T-shirt got pulled into the gap of the steps. I was lucky. The assistant at the shop turned off the escalator without me getting too injured.

However, that experience made me terrified of escalators. Lucky for me, the story did not end there. In the following weeks, my father took me to different malls with escalators and would hold my hand in his; he would count to three and get me to take that first step onto the escalator. I remember feeling scared and safe at the same time, but the dominant feeling was that of safety. His big hands felt warm. His voice was reassuring. His gentle manner was protective. It did not take me long to forget about the accident.

This was one of the many stories of my life that always made me feel protected and pushed me to believe that, in essence, even if life can be difficult, it is safe, and family is a place of healing. Later in life, stories like this inspired my move to choose family therapy as my second career.

Therapists work with people’s stories. People are interpretative beings who make meaning of their lives using stories. Stories help us organize our reality and make sense of it. Stories we tell and retell become maps we use to guide our lives. These stories can trap us or set us free. Our dominant stories influence the choices we make. For example, if we grow up in a home that tells stories that only people of our race can protect us, we start hanging out with people who are of our race. Then, when we are in trouble, only the people of our race are around to help us, reinforcing the story that only our race can help us. This leads us to make choices that can be narrow, like only marrying within our racial grouping, looking for work with people of our race, hanging out with people of our race, and only trusting the people that belong to our race. Thin stories will lead us to live life in thin spaces. But the opposite is true.

If we grow up with stories that are complex, nuanced, and have space for contradictions, we can move forward into the world with the complexity needed to face a complex world. These are what narrative therapists call thick stories. Thick stories allow for rich outcomes. It allows us to enter and manage complex transitions in life.

Stories are events that we link up over time. These stories typically carry a plot, giving our lives meaning and direction. As we race toward the end of another year, it might be a good time to review the stories that fuel our lives and those that drain us. It will be an excellent time to choose the stories that we should amplify so that we go into 2024 with strength and the stories that we would like to downplay and reduce their influence.

What is your dominant plot/story that has left you drained and what is the alternative plot/ story you would like to explore for 2024?

If you find this idea interesting, join us on the 13th of January 2024 at 2 pm. The team at the Andolfi Center will host a podcast and focus on how to choose and reframe the stories in our lives. We want to share some ideas on how to move from identifying with stories that leave us with little energy to swapping them with alternative stories that are also available to us. When our stories lack complexity and contradictions and are too simplistic, they can limit our lives. Whereas choosing an alternative plot/story can be very life-giving.

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This piece was written by Darrel Lourdes, a counselor at the Andolfi Family Therapy Center. If you would like a session with Darrel, drop us an email at hello.andolfi@gmail.com.

Darrel has a master's in counselling (HELP, Malaysia), a graduate diploma in couples and family therapy (Italy), and a certificate in family therapy (Australia). He is supervised by Professor Andolfi, a master family therapist and David Hong, a family therapist with over 30 years of experience.

Before getting into counselling, he worked at Intel and Shell for over 20 years. He was the HR Director of Shell before pursuing a career in counselling.

Family Therapy in a Changing World: Reflections and Insights from the Assisi Conference

The global landscape of therapy is undergoing a transformation, influenced by the growing recognition of the importance of individual and social resources. One recent event that served as a beacon of this transformation was the Assisi Conference held in Italy. This international conference brought together over a thousand students, counsellors, therapists, social workers, and academics from around the world, including a group of 20 Malaysian therapists.

Malaysian therapists at the conference

The conference theme, "The Road that Connects Individual and Social Resources," placed a spotlight on the profound societal impact on families. It amplified the role of economic factors, cultural norms, technological advancements, and evolving gender roles. This interdisciplinary gathering served as a platform for therapists to collaborate, exchange knowledge, and further the understanding of how these influences can be addressed to promote healthy and resilient families in a changing world.

A highlight of the conference was the recognition of the extended family and community's power in the healing process. It emphasised the critical role that these resources can play in fostering resilience and aiding in recovery, especially in cases involving trauma. Involving the extended family and community in the therapy process reduces isolation, combats stigma, and facilitates intergenerational healing.

The conference also underscored the significance of the humanistic approach in therapy. By creating a safe and supportive environment, therapists can foster open communication, empathy, and understanding among family members. Recognising that mental disorders are influenced by relational patterns within the family system, therapists are encouraged to explore family interactions, communication styles, and underlying beliefs to address dysfunctional patterns.

Malaysian participants at the plenary sessions at the Lyrick theatre

Darrel Lourdes, a counsellor from Malaysia, shared his personal reflections about the conference. For him, the conference was an opportunity to expand his network and connect with therapists globally. It also served as a reminder that he is part of something much larger than himself or his home country, Malaysia. He was inspired by hundreds of people who have been working tirelessly to improve, learn about, and promote family therapy.

Furthermore, Darrel compared the three-day conference to a master's course in family therapy due to its depth and richness. The attendees explored various topics, ranging from using the voice of the child in therapy to the societal impact on the family. The conference also featured creative presentations on new ways of conducting therapy, emphasising the use of art and community involvement.

It was a worthwhile trip for the whole gaggle of Malaysian therapists. The Assisi Conference offered valuable insights and reflections on the importance of family therapy in a changing world. By embracing a holistic, humanistic approach that engages the extended family and community, therapists can empower individuals and promote overall well-being. The conference served as a reminder that by leveraging available resources within the family and community, therapists can facilitate healing and resilience in the face of mental disorders. Subscribe to our newsletter for more news, events and useful articles and opinions.

The directors of the Andolfi Centre with Maurizio

Informal conversations with Mary Hotvedt, a keynote speaker

Working with Families with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a complex, chronic, and long-lasting disorder that can cause significant distress to individuals diagnosed with it. This disorder often manifests as recurring, unwanted thoughts or sensations (obsessions) that cause a person to perform certain rituals or routines (compulsions) in an attempt to mitigate their anxiety. The effects of OCD are not just confined to the person diagnosed with the condition; they ripple outwards, impacting family members as well. A child diagnosed with OCD brings forth unique challenges and pressures that permeate the entire family system, emphasising the critical need for comprehensive, inclusive, and empathetic treatment strategies that encompass the entire family.

Deepening the Understanding of OCD’s Impact

OCD can cause substantial disruptions in the family’s dynamics, adding layers of complexity to daily life. Children suffering from OCD often develop a heavy reliance on their parents or guardians for constant reassurance or assistance with their compulsive rituals. This can lead to an unhealthy cycle of co-dependence that might inadvertently reinforce obsessive-compulsive behaviours rather than alleviate them. It’s a challenging situation that demands understanding and tact.

Moreover, OCD can create a potent brew of stress, anxiety, fear, and even guilt among family members. A home that was once a place of peace and comfort can become an emotionally charged environment that potentially exacerbates the symptoms of OCD. Parents may grapple with feelings of helplessness, frustration, or guilt as they strive to navigate the complexities of their child’s OCD. They may wonder if they’ve somehow caused the disorder or if they’ve failed as parents because they can’t “fix” the problem.

A Holistic Approach: Building a Supportive Team

When it comes to managing and treating a child’s OCD, it’s essential to create a supportive, multidisciplinary team that goes beyond the immediate family. This team should encompass healthcare professionals who specialise in child psychology and psychiatry, mental health therapists, social workers, and perhaps even educators. By building a strong and diverse team, the child with OCD and their family have a robust support system that they can lean on during difficult times.

The team works cohesively, fostering therapeutic relationships not only with the child but also with the parents and siblings. A well-rounded, collaborative team can help demystify the complexities of OCD, making it easier for everyone involved to understand the nature of the disorder, the reasons behind the child’s behaviours, and the most effective strategies for managing the condition. This approach can help parents feel less alone, less guilty, and more empowered in their ability to support their child.

Positive Engagement: A Foundation for Building Resilience

Addressing OCD effectively requires a concerted focus on positive behaviours rather than dwelling on the negative ones. Early engagement with the child using constructive reinforcement techniques can set the stage for tough conversations down the line and foster the development of healthy coping skills. This strategy involves recognising and celebrating small wins, progress, and positive behaviours.

By continually reinforcing positive behaviour, the child can start to see that they’re not defined by their OCD. Instead, they begin to understand that they’re a unique individual with strengths, talents, and abilities that go beyond their condition. This process can help foster resilience and encourage the child to engage more actively in their treatment, ultimately leading to more successful outcomes.

Addressing Anger and Resistance: Understanding the Root Causes

Children with OCD may exhibit aggressive behaviours and resistance to change or intervention, which can be extremely challenging for families to manage. Resistance can take many forms, from refusing to go to school to not responding to direct questions. Understanding the root causes of this resistance is vital to addressing it effectively.

Often, a child’s aggression or resistance is an attempt to control their environment and reduce their anxiety. They may resort to aggression to force their parents or siblings to participate in their rituals or to maintain a strict order in their environment, which provides them with a sense of control and reduces their anxiety.

Developing strategies to manage and respond to aggressive behaviours is crucial. One approach is to delay responses to these behaviours, providing a “cooling-off” period that can help break the cycle of immediate reinforcement and reduce OCD-related behaviours. This strategy must be handled with care, however, to avoid causing additional distress to the child.

The Role of Parents in Navigating the OCD Journey

Parents have a pivotal role in managing and treating a child’s OCD. They often need coaching and support on how to avoid enabling OCD behaviours and how to manage their child’s aggression or resistance in a healthy, constructive way. This can be a challenging balancing act, as parents naturally want to alleviate their child’s distress, but doing so can sometimes reinforce the OCD behaviours.

Learning to differentiate between the child’s genuine needs and wants and the demands of their OCD can empower parents to regain some control over the situation. They can start by refusing to immediately acquiesce to every OCD-driven request, instead providing loving reassurance that they understand the child’s distress but also recognising the importance of not reinforcing the OCD behaviours.

Understanding the nuances of this role can be emotionally challenging, which is why the support of mental health professionals and a network of other parents dealing with similar issues can be invaluable. Together, they can share insights, strategies, and successes, creating a community of support that can provide a lifeline during difficult times.

The Journey Towards Healing

Living with a family member with OCD, especially a child, can feel like navigating an ever-changing labyrinth of emotional and psychological challenges. However, with understanding, patience, and the right tools, families can become a central component in the therapeutic process, helping their loved ones reclaim control over their lives from the grasp of OCD.

Family members need to recognise their powerful role in supporting their child’s journey. They are not just spectators but active participants in the management of OCD. At times, they may feel overwhelmed, tired, and unsure. It’s crucial to remember that these feelings are normal. Caring for a loved one with OCD can be stressful, and it’s important to take time for self-care, seek support, and acknowledge the small victories along the way.

Treating OCD is not a sprint but a marathon. The journey may seem long, steep, and winding, but each step taken is a step towards better understanding, greater resilience, and eventual healing. The path may be fraught with challenges, but with the right strategies and support in place, families can navigate this journey together, fostering a home environment where understanding and compassion reign and every member — including those with OCD — can thrive.

By viewing OCD as a family issue rather than an individual’s problem, we foster a more compassionate and effective approach to managing this complex disorder. We empower families to transform their homes from places of tension and confusion into sanctuaries of understanding, patience, and love — places where every member, including those wrestling with the challenges of OCD, can feel accepted, understood, and loved, despite the trials they face. After all, that’s what family is all about: standing together, facing challenges united, and providing unwavering support and love through every step of life’s journey.

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If you need help with a family member who’s experiencing OCD, drop us an email at hello.andolfi@gmail.com.

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This is an excerpt from a monthly talk by the Andolfi Family Therapy Centre. This time David Hong spoke about Working with Families with OCD.

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David Hong is a practising family & couples therapist in Australia with over 30 years of clinical experience; he works with children and adolescents with serious emotional, behavioural, and mental health issues along with their families. David has a special interest in working with ADHD and family systems, and also school refusal and school systems.

David launched the inaugural Graduate Certificate of Family Therapy programme in 2015. Since then, he has been supervising his students to support their ongoing clinical development.

Always a student, since 2005, David has been undergoing advanced training and supervision under the guidance of Professor Andolfi, a master family therapist and trained child psychiatrist. He has attended the Intensive Experiential Clinical Practicum and “The use of self of the therapist” at the prestigious Accademia di Psicoterapia Familiare in Rome, Italy. In 2016, David was invited to attend the Supa-meta Practicum in Todi, Umbria, Italy, with 18 family therapists from around the world. And since January 2020, he has been part of the European Family Therapist supervision group conducted by Professor Andolfi.