by Sharmilla Abdullah
Editor’s Note: Sharmilla is a Multigenerational Family Therapist at the Andolfi Family Therapy Centre. In multigenerational therapy, we explore the past to help clients move beyond the stuck points that developed during their formative years, enabling them to be more fully present and engaged in the here and now. A central theme of the therapy is helping clients differentiate themselves from the vulnerable young adult—who may have had little voice or sense of self—and reconnect with the adult they are today, who possess greater resources and agency.
Growing up as an Indian Muslim in a tight knit as well as conservative family and community background, there was an unspoken yet influential theme that shaped my sense of being: “What will people think?” This single question, implicitly yet powerfully, continued to shape my life well into my 30s.
My family, culture, ethnicity, religion & gender form the very mold that shaped & continues to shape me into who I am. In this environment, the boundaries blur between what is individual & collective. It is in this fusion you absorb & internalize your family’s anxiety, voice & wants – very often echoing their choices as if they are your own.
Murray Bowen defines Differentiation as the ability to maintain a strong sense of self while staying emotionally connected to one’s family, particularly when anxiety is high. It is the capacity to think and act from individual principles and intellect rather than emotional reactivity and enmeshment with the family unit (Bowen, M., 1978, p. 529)
Upon knowing this concept, I began to sit with the uncomfortable question of “Whose voice is this?” whenever I had an opinion of something – be it small or big. Initially, it was very unsettling. Coming to realize how frequent the inner voice isn’t truly mine surprised and troubled me all the same. The process of discerning was one part; the other was really figuring out what I truly wanted & making decisions based on my own voice/truth.
Swimming To Your Own Rhythm
The experience of differentiating is akin to an individual fish deciding - after swimming together in its school for a while - to swim at a slightly different pace, its own pace, while remaining part of the school. The reason & intention is not to abandon the school or ocean altogether, but to tend to its need to grow individually within that school.
That change may feel like you are going against the current a lot more or swimming upstream – whilst watching other fish in the group sail effortlessly with the flow. In those moments, you will start to wonder if this is necessary or worth it – you will question your sense of direction & ability.
Yet, it is in those very moments too that you will learn to navigate new terrains, develop new survival skills, and start to find your footing in the unknown. More importantly, you start to develop new emotional muscles that make you more resilient. You may even find like-minded fish.
When the water gets rough, the family anxiety will naturally increase, and you are presented with the ultimate challenge: “Do I default & follow what the group is doing to keep the peace, or do I hold out & maintain my own rhythm?” “Do I follow the voice of the group or try to attune to my own?”
How Do I Find My Own Way?
To help us on the journey towards becoming a differentiated Self, it helps tremendously to become curious about the generations that came before us. In my journey of going “upstairs” into my family tree, I uncovered rich histories on both my paternal & maternal sides.
I began to understand how specific events or challenges, such as illnesses, deaths, culture, religious values, and financial or socio-political situations at the time, came to shape my family’s emotional system. Each family deals with anxiety in the system differently, which then dictates the interaction patterns that play out in the family for decades.
Learning how this anxiety was passed down implicitly yet powerfully gave me a new understanding – of my parents and my ancestors (many of whom I didn’t know) – as individuals with their own histories, pain, vulnerabilities, and strengths. This new lens - an intergenerational one – changed my understanding of everyone before me and ultimately, myself.
Where Does the Journey of Differentiation Take You?
Just like all journeys into the unknown, it is challenging, to say the least, especially since it’s a process that is extremely slow, requiring deliberate choices. However, once you take a few steps towards it – you will realize that you have changed. It becomes almost impossible to “unsee” what you have learned about your family system and especially, about yourself.
My personal journey towards differentiation continues to teach me that finding my way is not about who is “right”. It is about making choices using my own voice and taking full accountability for them, whether I succeed or fail.
Learning to observe my own family patterns clearly, without getting swept into the emotional “current,” was scary & foreign at first, but it has come to feel liberating. This is not to say I am so perfectly differentiated and immune to getting pulled into old dynamics - no one ever reaches a final, perfect state of differentiation – and I still contribute my share of family conflicts.
What has changed is the awareness of my own part within the system – which makes all the difference – it is the experience of growing without needing to cut myself off but choosing to grow by remaining meaningfully within the system.
The gift is the continuous discovery of finding my way - to myself.
Citation: Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aranson.
Sharmilla Abdullah is a registered and licensed counselor who works with individuals, couples, and families. She holds a Master of Counseling (Malaysia), a Post Graduate Diploma from the Accademia di Psicoterapia della Famiglia (Italy) & has undergone advanced supervision under Master Family Therapist Professor Dr. Maurizio Andolfi.
As a certified Multi-Generational Family Therapist—an accreditation held by only a select group of therapists worldwide— she helps clients gain insight into the generational patterns & systemic connections that contribute to their current challenges. With almost a decade of corporate experience in the banking industry, Sharmilla offers a grounded, informed approach to counseling that connects meaningfully with clients from diverse backgrounds. She is fluent in English, Bahasa Malaysia, and Tamil.