Building Resilient Families: Challenges of Parenting in the 21st Century

In this podcast, BFM 89.9: The Business Station engages in conversation with David Hong, a family therapist and the creator of the Andolfi Family Therapy Centre. He shares his perspectives on the importance of mutual respect within families, the lasting impacts of unresolved conflicts on subsequent generations, and the potential for reunions to serve as opportunities for healing and fortifying familial bonds.

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Today, depression and anxiety are the leading mental health issues. [WHO] “Anxiety has increased substantially among children and college students over the last three decades," says Jean M. Twenge. "The average American child in the 1980s reported more anxiety than psychiatric patients in the 1950s”- called the “Age of Anxiety.” [Medical News Archive] The advance and impact of technology has eroded family time. In the 21st Century, women are now asserting their rights as equal partners, divorce is not uncommon, living together is becoming a norm so are single parents by choice.

So, what can parents/family do? According to Silberberg [2001] the findings of an Australian study on family resilience indicated that strong families can adapt to changing circumstances and have a positive attitude towards the challenges of family life. They deal with these challenges through communication - talking things through with each other; supporting each other in times of need and/or seeking outside support when it is beyond the family capability to deal with the situation; and togetherness form a united front and to find solutions. [p. 55]

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If you would like to reach out to us, email us at hello.andolfi@gmail.com

Navigating Depression and Grief in the Family After a Major Loss

Introduction

The loss of a loved one can be a profoundly challenging and distressing experience for families. Grief, depression, and complex emotions can surface, and coping with these feelings can be a daunting task for both individuals and families as a whole. It is crucial to understand the different grieving styles, the importance of rituals, and the role of family dynamics in dealing with depression and grief after a major loss. This comprehensive article aims to provide insights into these aspects, as well as offer guidance on navigating the grieving process as a family.

Understanding Grieving Styles

When faced with grief, individuals tend to exhibit different grieving styles. These styles can be broadly categorized into instrumental grief, intuitive grief, and blended grief.

1. Instrumental Grief

Instrumental grievers process their emotions through thoughts and actions. They may engage in activities or creative outlets to work through their grief, and they might prefer discussing practical matters related to the loss rather than expressing emotions. This cognitive and action-oriented approach to grief does not imply that they are not feeling pain; they are merely coping with their grief differently.

2. Intuitive Grief

Intuitive grievers, on the other hand, experience and express their grief through intense emotions. They may cry, wail, or talk openly about their feelings. Intuitive grievers often need to feel and share their emotions to process their grief effectively. They tend to be more comfortable with emotional expression and may require validation and support from others to cope with their loss.

3. Blended Grief

Blended grievers exhibit both instrumental and intuitive grieving styles. They may experience fluctuations in their emotions and coping mechanisms, shifting between the two styles as they navigate their grief. Blended grievers may need a combination of emotional support and practical solutions to process their loss.

It is essential to recognize that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each individual's grieving process is unique, and understanding these different grieving styles can help families better support one another during this challenging time.

The Importance of Rituals in Grieving

Rituals play a significant role in the grieving process by offering a sense of structure, meaning, and connectedness. Rituals can vary greatly, depending on an individual's family, culture, ethnicity, or spiritual tradition. They provide a way for individuals to honour and remember the deceased and can be a crucial component in the healing process.

1. Types of Rituals

Rituals can take various forms, such as lighting candles, visiting the cemetery, creating a memorial, or engaging in prayer or meditation. Some families may choose to create a collage or scrapbook containing memories of their loved one or participate in charity work in their memory. The specific rituals chosen should resonate with the individual and their family, providing a sense of comfort and connection.

2. Benefits of Rituals

Engaging in rituals can be highly beneficial in helping individuals cope with grief and loss. Rituals offer a sense of purpose and connection, allowing individuals to channel their emotions in a structured and meaningful way. Participating in rituals can also facilitate a sense of community, as family members and friends come together to remember and honour the deceased.

Self-Compassion, Self-Care, and the Need for Social Support

During the grieving process, it is vital for individuals to practice self-compassion and take care of their emotional and physical needs. Grief can be an all-consuming experience, and it is crucial to recognize when additional support is necessary. Strong social support from friends and family members can be invaluable during this time, providing comfort and understanding when it is needed most.

1. Self-Compassion and Self-Care

Practising self-compassion involves acknowledging and accepting one's feelings and giving oneself permission to grieve. It is crucial not to judge oneself for the emotions experienced during the grieving process. Prioritizing self-care, such as engaging in physical activity, eating well, getting enough sleep, and seeking professional help if needed, is also essential. By tending to one's own emotional and physical needs, individuals can better navigate the grieving process and support others in their family.

2. The Role of Social Support

Strong social support networks can play a critical role in coping with grief and depression after a major loss. Friends, family members, or support groups can provide understanding, validation, and practical assistance during this difficult time. It is essential for individuals to reach out to others and share their feelings, as attempting to navigate grief alone can be overwhelming and isolating. Remember, no one should have to grieve in isolation.

Family Dynamics and Grief

Family dynamics play a significant role in how grief and depression are managed after a major loss. Different family roles, such as siblings, parents, or caregivers, may influence the way individuals cope with grief.

1. Caregiver Role

Individuals who naturally assume the role of the caregiver within their families may neglect their own grief in order to tend to the needs of others. It is essential for caregivers to recognize and acknowledge their own grief and seek support when necessary. Failing to address one's own emotions can hinder the healing process and potentially lead to long-term emotional difficulties.

2. Sibling Dynamics

The loss of a sibling can significantly impact the family dynamic, as siblings often serve as important support systems for one another. It is important to explore and address the feelings of each sibling and understand the unique ways in which they are processing their grief. Encouraging open communication among siblings and providing emotional support can help navigate this challenging time.

3. Couples Grieving Together

When a couple experiences a loss, such as the death of a child, both partners may struggle to support one another while also managing their own grief. It is crucial for couples to recognize their individual grief experiences and seek external support when necessary. Relying solely on one another for support during this time can be unsustainable and may even strain the relationship.

Conclusion

Dealing with depression and grief in the family after a major loss is a complex and emotionally challenging experience. Understanding the different grieving styles, the importance of rituals, and the role of family dynamics can help provide guidance and support during this difficult time. By practising self-compassion, prioritising self-care, and seeking strong social support networks, families can work together to navigate the grieving process and begin to heal.

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This is an excerpt from a monthly talk by the Andolfi Family Therapy Centre. Bawany Chinapan was our speaker and host this time around.

Bawany Chinapan is a passionate educator on issues of couple and family functioning, and she's a trained family therapist with ongoing clinical supervision with an internationally renowned master family therapist, Professor Maurizio Andolfi, from Italy.

If you’d like to join us at our future events, subscribe to our newsletter:

Sign up to the Andolfi Family Therapy Centre Newsletter

Vincent struggles at work; family therapy helped him to bounce back

In a quiet office, nestled between two towering buildings, sat Vincent, hidden in the corner of an empty office room; he was hunched over in the dark and staring at his feet. Vincent was a young man who had graduated at the top of his engineering class and was recruited by a European company in Malaysia. Vincent had always been a star, but lately, he was struggling. He was depressed, and his work was suffering. He had no will to face his bosses and was worried that his performance would get him fired.

Fast forward a few months, Vincent's therapist, Daniel, sat across from him, listening carefully to his story. Daniel was a kind man with a warm smile, and he made Vincent feel at ease. He asked Vincent to tell him more about what was happening in his life, and as he spoke, Daniel listened intently.

"I've lost interest in everything," Vincent said. "I used to love exercising and playing sports, but now I can't seem to muster up the energy to do anything. I'm struggling to sleep, and I'm not eating as much as I used to. I feel so heavy like I'm carrying a weight on my shoulders."

Daniel nodded sympathetically. "I understand how you feel," he said. "It sounds like you're going through a tough time. But I want you to know that you're not alone. We can work through this together."

Vincent was sceptical. He wasn't sure anything could make him feel better. He tried therapy before, but it never helped him. Daniel was patient and persistent and didn't give up on Vincent.

Instead of focusing solely on Vincent's individual issues, Daniel wanted to explore how his family might be contributing to his struggles. Daniel knew that the family unit was a complex system, and he believed that by working with Vincent's family, they could help him find a way out of his depression.

So Daniel asked Vincent if he’d be willing to participate in family therapy. Vincent was initially hesitant, but he agreed to try it. Daniel told him that according to family therapy, the family is an interconnected system and that by working with the family as a whole, they could help each family member to improve their relationships and find new ways of interacting.

Vincent's family was hesitant at first, too. They didn't believe that therapy could help them. But Daniel was persuasive and convinced his family to come in for a session.

As they sat in the therapist's office, Daniel asked Vincent's family to share their thoughts and feelings about their family dynamic. Vincent's mother, a stern woman with a no-nonsense attitude, spoke up first. Her eyes piercing, her voice booming, she said, "I demand high performance from my children."

"I'm not afraid to use the cane if I have to. I want my children to succeed, and I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen."

Vincent's father, a quiet man who had always been distant from the family, looked down at his feet. He didn't say much, but Daniel could sense that there was something he wasn't telling everyone in the room.

As the session progressed, Daniel began to see the patterns contributing to Vincent's depression. Vincent had always been the star of the family, the one who had excelled in school and sports. His mother had pushed him hard, and he had responded by achieving great things. But as Vincent got older, he began to feel the weight of his responsibilities and felt like he was carrying the burden of his family's expectations on his shoulders. He didn't know how to ask for help.

As the therapy progressed, Daniel realised that Vincent's family dynamic contributed to his depression. Vincent's mother was too harsh, too demanding. His father was too distant.

Then Vincent began to open up, talking about his family and the role he played in it. His mother was what they called a Tiger mom in Asia - demanding high performance from her children and not afraid to use the cane to get what she wanted. On the other hand, his father was absent, choosing to remove himself from the family because he couldn't handle his wife's harsh ways with the kids.

As Vincent spoke, the therapist listened intently, taking notes and asking questions to delve deeper into his family dynamic. They discovered that Vincent, as the eldest child, had taken on the father's role from his missing father. He disciplined his siblings, just like his mother, and it was causing a strain on his sibling relationships.

The therapist suggested that Vincent's depression might be related to his wrong role in the family. Vincent isn’t the father; he’s the son. So they talked about the need to realign the family relationships, to get the father to take back his father role, and to have Vincent give up his artificial father role and re-establish a peer sibling role.

It was a difficult process, but the therapist guided the family one step at a time. The father started to engage more with the family, and Vincent began to step back from his previous role. On hearing about the impact her tough ways had on the family, his mother started to take on a more withdrawn posture.

Slowly but surely, over about 15 to 17 sessions, things began to improve. Vincent's depression became manageable, and he started to feel lighter. When asked what had brought about the change, he credited the moment his father told him,

"Son, you are not the father of this family. It is my role, not yours."

Through family therapy, Vincent and his family discovered that change was possible, even in families that had been struggling for years. By working together to understand the family dynamics and finding new ways of interacting, Vincent and his entire family improved communication, developed closer connections, and created a more loving and supportive environment for everyone involved.

As Vincent walked out of the therapist's office, he felt a weight lifted off his shoulders. He knew there would still be challenges ahead, but he was now equipped with the tools to face them as part of a loving and supportive family unit.

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Going beneath the surface

Family therapy is a psychological intervention involving working with families to address problems within the family unit, improve communication, and develop more effective ways of resolving conflicts. Family therapy aims to help all family members to understand the dynamics and patterns that contribute to their difficulties and to find ways of working together to improve their relationships.

Family therapy is based on the understanding that the family unit is an interconnected system in which the actions and behaviours of one person can affect the entire group. It recognises that individual problems are often linked to problems within the larger family structure and that the most effective way to bring about lasting improvement is to work with the family as a whole.

Family therapists typically work with families to identify patterns of behaviour and interactions (including communication) contributing to difficulties. These patterns may involve unhealthy or ineffective ways of expressing one's needs when managing transitions and resolving conflicts. By working with the family to identify these patterns, therapists can help family members learn new ways of interacting that promote healthier relationships.

One of the fundamental principles of family therapy is that all family members have a role to play in creating and maintaining the family dynamic. This means that each person in the family is seen as an important contributor to the system's overall functioning. As seen in the case of Vincent, the father withdrew, so the mother recruited Vincent to play the father's role. Vincent was willing to play the role, and the siblings submitted to the imposition.

Family therapists work with the family as a whole to help each member understand their role in the family and find ways to contribute positively to the group. In the case of Vincent, we spent time focusing on the parental conflict; to help the family understand how it had impacted how the family had been structured over the last ten years. A lot of work was done to help Vincent to give up his role of fathering his siblings. Once Vincent gave up his role as ‘father’ and resumed his role as ‘son’, the relationship started to improve.

Family therapy has many different approaches, but most sessions are done as a family. In individual sessions, family members may work with a therapist to explore their thoughts and feelings about the family dynamic and develop strategies for improving their relationships. In family sessions, the entire family meets with a therapist to discuss specific issues and work together to find solutions.

Overall, family therapy can effectively address problems within the family unit and develop healthier relationships. Family therapy may be used to address a wide range of problems, including marital conflicts, parent-child conflicts, substance abuse, depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. It may also be helpful for families dealing with issues related to sexuality, gender identity, or cultural differences. By working together to understand the family dynamics and find new ways of interacting, family members can improve communication, develop closer connections, and create a more loving and supportive environment for everyone involved.

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If you would like to reach out to us, email us at hello.andolfi@gmail.com

* This article is based on a true story. To protect the identity of the individuals in this story, all names have been changed, and events have been given a somewhat different spin.